Here I pick back up with describing how control can be exercised by groups, in ways parallel to individual abusive relationships. (If you missed the first five lessons, you can find them here — along with a Power & Control Wheel for religious or cultic groups.) “He was always right. Problems were always my fault.” People who misuse power stay in the driver’s seat by taking credit for the good stuff in the relationship, while avoiding accountability for the bad stuff. “Baby, you need me. You’d be nothing without all I’ve done for you.” The bad boyfriend might send this message. But so might the controlling group. If they are subtle about it, well-socialized group members will simply model the message: “Ordinary people like you and me would never get far by ourselves. I give gratitude daily to _ [founder(s) / teacher] _ for showing us the way.” As for failures? That’s on you, not Mr. (or Ms.) Perfect. An abuser might blame his partner for driving him to cruel behavior — “If you would’ve taken care of those things like I told you to, none of this would have happened. You can’t do anything right, can you?” He might downplay his bad behavior, even deny he had any part in it. “It wasn’t that bad. You were due for dental work anyway.” “You fell down the stairs, don’t you remember? You’re such a klutz.” An authoritarian leader or group may similarly deflect responsibility. “God is punishing you for your lack of faith.” “That was your own karma rebounding on you.” In response to credible allegations of abuse from members of the community, true believers might respond with blind faith and improbable excuses: “We know Beloved Leader did not do those awful things; from our own direct experience we can tell you he’s not capable of such behavior. Whoever is spreading these lies must be jealous or seriously disturbed.” Lesson #6: Be clear-eyed and honest about who is doing what. · Have you developed a new skill — practical, spiritual, or otherwise? Good for you! Whether or not anyone else contributed, you couldn’t have done it without… YOU. · Has a person or group in your life treated you poorly? That’s on them. If they are mature — if they are worthy of being in your life — they will be able to own up to mistakes, and show concretely in their behavior that they can learn and grow. Don’t believe it unless you see it. “He’s kind of controlling sometimes, but overall it’s a good relationship — not an abusive one. Not like ______ [some extreme example] ______.” A relationship doesn’t have to involve physical violence or other undeniable red flags to be unhealthy. Does he turn to you mostly when he needs something from you? Subtly signal that he may leave you if you don’t conform to his expectations? Belittle you, or dismiss your feelings? That is not a mutually supportive relationship. You deserve better. If a group wants your unpaid (or underpaid) labor, your financial donations, and your endorsement of their program — but strictly on their terms — its relationship with you may be shallower and more transactional than you thought. If they show you love only when you adhere to their formulation of Pure Teaching, and distance themselves from you when you think independently, consider that this group may in fact be using you. Other group members may have genuine affection for you. But in a high-control group, the organization’s priorities — maintenance of the group’s status quo, the lionization of its leader(s)/teacher(s), keeping control of the public narrative — these are always going to trump your needs. A group doesn’t have to be Heaven’s Gate or NXIVM-level extreme to be harmful. If ANY of the elements of power and control show up in the dynamics — loss of autonomy, isolation, minimizing-denying-blaming, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, threats-accusations-intimidation, economic control, rigid rules about sexuality and gender — watch out. Also realize that just because you haven’t experienced intense power dynamics, doesn’t mean others haven’t — or that you won’t eventually, if you stay. Lesson #7: If the love is conditional, or there is any amount of coercion, the relationship is harmful — you’re being used. Don’t stay with a person or group who undermines your ability to trust yourself and think for yourself. “I feel like I’m going crazy. Is this all my fault?” A person in an abusive relationship likely finds their world getting narrower and narrower, as the abuser comes to control more aspects of their life — where they live, who they associate with, what ideas they hear, how much freedom they have. In the process, she may go from feeling strong to feeling fragile. He is constantly defining the situation in ways that benefit him, often at her expense. He may deceive her, gaslight her — deliberately denying realities she observes, to make her question her grasp on reality — and chip away at her self-esteem with messages that she is not enough, she is flawed, she needs him. He blames her for whatever ills befall her, even those he inflicts. Society often blames her too, asking accusingly: why didn’t she leave? To the extent that she has internalized all this, she may blame herself. But as domestic violence advocates know, the craziness is not her fault. She did not start out crazy. She is in a crazy-making situation. Controlling groups operate in much the same way. What starts out as a good thing begins to constrict the participant’s world — and worldview — more and more. The leader points the way to Perfection; the participant who has not yet arrived at this impossible goal is continuously directed to look in the mirror and try harder. (As for the man — or woman — behind the curtain? Pay no attention to what he’s doing back there. Focus on his carefully curated image, and idolize him for that.) In such a scenario, it should be no surprise if members of the group become less and less psychologically well. I recall one group I was involved in, who explained that the emotional volatility of some long-timers was a result of “speeded-up karma.” In other words, they had worked so hard on their stuff, and gone so deep through their spiritual practices, that now they were working with the most difficult strata of personality issues. They might seem unstable, but this actually reflected great spiritual progress. Up is down! Night is day! Neurosis is a sign of spiritual achievement! Lesson #8: If you feel like you’re losing touch with reality, take a hard look at the people and environment around you, and consider how they might be contributing. If you feel worse over time, after a particular association begins, it likely has more to do with that association than with you. If you find out a former member of the group wound up in a mental institution — a tale I’ve heard — think twice about where the crazy came from. And if someone tells you “everyone at the ashram/church/commune is crazy!” take it to heart and GET OUT. “I lost my spark. I’m not sure when it happened, but looking back, I see how much I’ve changed.” Being in a crazy-making situation can lead anyone from having a bold personality to a bland one. The change may be more obvious to friends and loved ones than to the person in the controlling relationship. But in time, she may look back and realize how different she is than she was at the beginning of the relationship. Trouble is, he may wait until she is trapped to show his true colors. “He was a perfect gentlemen until we got married.” “Once I had the baby, leaving became much more complicated.” “Without a job or my own place to live, I’m stuck.” What about groups? Social psychologist Robert Cialdini views cultic groups as a type of long-term influence situation. Especially when principles of social influence continue over time, as in a controlled setting or ongoing program, the resulting changes in a person can be dramatic— yet may not be recognized as such by the participant. Janja Lalich observes, “In most cases, the desired behavioral change is accomplished in small incremental steps because conversion to the new worldview is a gradual process.” (Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships) In my group, I felt like I was making choices to increase my spiritual practice and explore a variety of spiritual ideas. It was indeed a gradual process — stretching over years — which at the time I would not have named as coercive. But now I see myself in a telling scene from the film Romancing the Stone. Danny DeVito’s character has just snatched the precious gemstone from Kathleen Turner’s character, who went treasure hunting for it with Michael Douglas’ character. DeVito: I’m stealin’ this stone. I’m not tryin’ to romance it out from under her. Turner, indignant: Wait a minute. Going for the stone was my idea. DeVito: That’s what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap. It’s true that ideas I did not hold when I first came in contact with the group became not only familiar, but almost… alluring. And did I need them — the teachings, the group, the teacher — to help me get where I (now, maybe) wanted to go? Once someone has committed to a high-control group, L.J. West and M. Singer observe, the group’s “way of thinking, feeling, and acting becomes second nature, while important aspects of their pre-cult personalities are suppressed or, in a sense, decay through disuse.” (quoted in Lalich / Take Back Your Life) As for a newfound blandness in one’s personality, this may be a reflection of the induced dependence of the victim on the abusive partner or group. What’s more, the manipulated person may in time become dissociated — what psychiatrist Robert Lifton calls psychic numbing. Trauma and overwhelm can cause dissociation as a protective mechanism. Meditation, chanting, lectures, fatigue, or verbal abuse can likewise sever typical connections among feelings, thoughts, and memory. Lesson #9: Distinguish between genuine serenity vs. a personality blunted by a systematic program of reshaping. If you can’t be yourself in a relationship, pass on it. A healthy partner or community will not need to snuff out your spark; rather, they will cherish what is unique and bright in you. Only unsound settings will demand that you dim your light. In my next post, I’ll finish sketching out ways that controlling groups can be like abusive partners — including re: boundaries, sex, and loyalty. Don’t want to miss a post? You can subscribe to get every new post sent directly to your inbox. Thanks for reading! Please read this disclaimer carefully before relying on any of the content in my articles online for your own life.
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Article ListA list of all articles by title and date, grouped by topics. - Go to list - About ShariUU minister, high control group survivor, and mama bear on savvy ways to seek meaning, belonging, purpose, and well-being in these turbulent times. More SubscribeWant to get an email in your in-box every time I post? To subscribe, you can go here and follow the instructions at bottom. Archives
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